Stefan's Bad Pun Page

Updated 2019-10-09, newest at the top, oldest at the bottom
Yes, I made all these up myself!

Apparently in Ireland it's quite popular to have a breakfast featuring a dish consisting of puréed or finely-chopped olives, capers, and olive oil.

That's how we get the classic greeting...
"Tapenade morning to ya!"

If the cheese factory is really loud, there's no whey you can be overcurd.

Why did the basketball players slip and slide on the floor of the court and get all buttery?

Someone accidentally put down a Parkay floor.

It was discovered recently that men working in the Swiss chocolate factory producing the triangular milk-chocolate bars can develop an excess of a certain male hormone...


What do you call a game which is derived from the Italian bowling sport but also involves Japanese charcoal grilling?


What brand of high-quality, medium-format cameras is known to really annoy Count Dracula?

The hassle-Vlad.

"I've had it with these motherf**kin' assertions in this motherf**kin profile!"

-- SAML Jackson

Mastercard, Visa, and AMEX must have been pissed at all the attention given to the Paypal visit to the U.S. in 2015.

What's the name of the terrible, awful, horrendous, frightful, atrocious, outrageous, appalling
impersonator of the TV host who used to be on with Kathie Lee and later Kelly?

Egregious Philbin.

Who is the famous female R&B singer favored by most urologists?

Urethra Franklin.

What's the difference between the end of the world and the symmetric curved shape of a dead rapper?

The first is an apocalypse, while the other is a Tupac-ellipse.

It was discovered recently that former Red Sox first baseman "The Hit Dog" Vaughn is able to help Spanish-speaking cancer patients when he is "here".

The treatment is called "aqui-Mo therapy".

When you have problems getting your blood pumping through your veins, you call a cardiologist.

When you have problems with Puerto Rican rum pumping through your veins, you call a Bacardi-ologist.

If you have boat shoes made out of Kosher leather, you could call them...

... ortho-dox-siders.

If you relieve yourself by having a stinky pun, you have had...

... a vowel movement.

It's ironic that weather activity that is tornadic can result in...

... a "torn attic".

What choral work is the favorite of tequila distillers?

"Agave Maria"

Remember the classic arcade game in which you try to squash plastic animals with a mallet?
That is

A variation of that game very popular in Mexico involves squashing avocados with some salt, spices and a bit of lime juice.
That's known as Guac-a-mole.

When asked what they were planning, the architects designing an expansion of Harvard's main library said...

We're going to lengthen her, and Widener.

If your foot falls asleep for five years, it's...


Did you know that heat from notebook computers can not only cause tissue damage (especially in the groin area) but can even contribute to a bad mood?

After using a hot laptop all day, I can get a little teste.

What do you call a secret agent who specializes in crawling through drain pipes?

A culvert operative.

Why does the swearing in of new government officials never happen during the December holiday season?

If it did, it would instead be called an "eggnog-uration".

Spending too much time with his girlfriend was a problem for the Hero because it turned into...

Heroine addiction.

What do you call a witty and slightly obscene five-line poem about a primate found on Madagascar?

A lemurick.

Recently there was an arrest in the case of a man murdered with ground chickpeas and sesame seeds...

The suspect was charged with hummus-cide.

Question: Why was it ironic that the politician was given a severe reprimand for the political scandal involving his wearing of a plaster brace for his broken arm?

Answer: The press referred to it as "Castigate".

Question: Why did John McCain pick the governor of Alaska to be his running-mate?

Answer: Any other choice for VP would "Palin comparison".

A husband and wife were unable to have sex because they were both in the same 40-person military unit.

They had a "platoonic" relationship.

I was wondering why Obama waited so long to announce his running-mate...

I guess he was just "Biden his time".

If you are only allowed a small amount of scarce 1920's styled furnishings at once...

...are you using room "Deco-rations"?

After the long-haired actor had a terrible accident on stage and almost had one of his braids pulled out by the curtain coming down
(because he was holding his place too long) he suffered from the condition called...

"Pose-Dramatics Tress Disorder".

What's the best way to organize your pastry recipes that you received by telephone photocopy?

Get a "Phyllo-Fax".

What if you want to store your trivia about the inventor of television?

Use your "Philo-Facts".

Finally, (since I "saw" you are a kind lumberjack... tell me if you "please wood"...)
how do you stay sharp when cutting down trees to make keyboard instruments for churches?

You probably use a "file-off-axe" "organ-izer".

(Only if you need to be punished for having an affinity for certain types of lipids would anyone use a "philo-fats agonizer".)

What do you call the sunburn a mathematician gets from the UV light flash of a huge electrical short-circuit?

An "arc tan".

What is the favorite breakfast food of most HBS faculty on the fourth floor of Morgan?

The "NOM-elette".

John walks past the office windows on an especially sunny day and says: "Is it extra bright in here?"

Stefan replies: "Considering where we are in Boston, I'd say it's actually extra Allston here."

(I can even make puns out of what other people say. Wheeee!)

Even though he is a calculating, logical guy, ironically what's the one thing the stiff, almost robot-like former Vice President could never produce?

A good "Al-Gore-Rhythm".

After Jack Kevorkian went to jail, why did his idiot relative travel all through China, Japan, India and Vietnam talking with teenagers?

He thought he could find some new ways of carrying on the family tradition of "youth-in-Asia".

When the preparation of a new head minister of a church involves boiling them at 161.5 °F for at least 15 seconds, what is the process called?



What is the result when you multiply...
the length of a donkey (which likes standing in the waves at a beach)

together with...
2)  the width of an opera singer?

You get the "surf-ass aria".

What happened when the metalsmith spilled boiling acetic acid and molten copper on himself?

He suffered "verdigris" burns.

What new lyrics did Thomas Dolby put to his famous tune, after his girlfriend left him over his choice of a Toyota-spinoff car?

"She minded me with Scions..."

What do you call a doctor who specializes in pregnancy, but who is stubborn and unwilling to change?

An obstinate-rician.

If you have an evil kid whom you think of as a "bad egg", where do you send him to play college basketball?

"Villain - ova."

What do you call it when, at a golf outing, you see a bunch of prostitutes waiting for the father of modern mathematics to finish his round?

It's "putting Descartes before the whores"!

(Note: that's 'putting' as in golf, not 'putting' as in "things on top of other things")

A long time ago there were a group of Jewish vegans...
They worked years to develop a Kosher food product to have along with their curds...

After much agony and some disbelief, they gave the world...
"soy vhey".

There was once a poor Augustinian who was, for some unknown reason, an incredible expert on all types of sport, especially the players. A particular football nut who had been stalking Tom Brady claimed to have found out some really juicy gossip on the quarterback, but nobody believed him. A friend of this football nut gathered a crowd of disbelieving people outside this Augustinian's hovel, and was heard to exclaim:

"Doubt of the prying fan? In, to the friar!"

What should you do with a dead art expert who loved Italian Renaissance paintings?

You could bring him to see a mortician ...
... or to see "more Titian" !!

Two men were arrested for aligning granite slabs in a kitchen.

They were charged with "counter-fitting".

Dave: "I've always wanted to be a wine expert in a restaurant..."

Stefan: "I'd be worried about the reaction of the restaurant's patrons...
I think some'll boo, but sommelier..."

Some punny musings on food...

Do you suppose that Uncle Ben and Chef Boyardee are "starch enemies" or just "starch rivals"?

A baker once said: "Don't ruin that bread! The 'yeast' you can do is just 'leaven' it well enough alone!"

Do you think bread that tastes really bad (and lends itself to word-play) is a "gluten for pun-ishment"?

Stefan's friend: "On the Tour de France today, Lance Armstrong did great in the Pyrenees."

Stefan: "Well of course he did. Anyone that good on a bicycle must certainly have a great 'pair-o'-knees'."

I know a guy who grew up in the capital of Taiwan, which is probably where he developed his...

"Taipei personality".

What do you say after the hurricane has swept away an entire redneck trailer park, leaving only one thing intact:
poking out from a huge pile of debris is the really ugly prize a guy won for his feline's cute butt...

"Wow, what a terrible 'cat-ass-trophy'."

A husband and wife are relaxing on the beach of a resort...
The wife asks if he'd like to go snorkeling to see the sea life.

The husband - gazing up at the palm leaves waving in the breeze above him - says:
"With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

If at first you don't make tea...

chai, chai again.

I know someone whose father has three sisters, all of whom are sitting in at a church that's slated for closing by the diocese.

I like to refer to those three women as Catholic "vigil-aunties".

If you poke someone in the eye with an and-iron and give them a bad case of redeye, they are probably suffering from...


Said the waiter to the hick customer: "So, sir, before your meal would you like to have aperitif?"

To this the hick answered: "Naww, I forgot my dentures today; all I got left is already just a pair o' teef."

When soup chefs get married, do they have to consommé their marriage?

...or when linguists get married, do they conjugate their marriage?

A guy who had grown up in New Mexico returns home to find things are not quite as he had left them...

He climbs up the steep slope to the flat top of a nearby mountain where he finds all sorts of trash, refuse, litter and garbage.
He pauses to take a look around, and says...

Wow, what a mesa!

I found out recently that the Roman Senators were so upset at the new music called "funk" that they elected to shun the new music style as quickly as possible, even as they were on their way back to the forum.

This is why today we all know that "forum follows funk shun".

If they give out the award every year, why is it always a surprise?

Which award? The Pulit, of course...

...but everyone keeps calling it the "Pulit surprise"...

A certain white supremacist was so dumb, he thought his army service qualified him to work as an animal doctor...

...because he is now a "veteran-aryan".

Bill offers us some home-made food made from the meat of a deer...

I ask: "You mean a slightly cold Italian kid?"

He says "Huh? I'm offering you some venison chili."

I reply: "Oh, I thought you said some Venice son who's chilly."

Dean Martin is singing for a group of deep-sea divers,
performing one of his biggest hits about dangerous sea life:

"When an eel bites your boot,
and draws blood from your foot,

That's a moray..."

So I was taking sap from maple trees, and boiling it down under cover of dark;
I didn't want anyone to know...

... because I was performing a syrup-titious activity.

"I know you don't like taking your kid to the doctor, but it's a bit weird to be viewing old war films of patrol boats being sunk instead of getting him proper medical checkups."

"Oh, didn't you tell me to take him to see the PT-attrition?"

"You seem to periodically have a fungus problem up at the top of your house."

"That's OK, it's just a spore-attic problem."

Tom: "Wow, look at those two guys working on the roof, waaay up there."

Stefan: "They must be a cupola talented fellows."

Tom: "Yeah. The last time I went up to work on my roof, I came down with shingles."

Stefan: "That reminds me of the two competing architects who were arch-rivals."

Stefan: "I've heard that rowing on the river is not really much fun."

Tom: "Why is that?"

Stefan: "Everyone is always accusing each other of scull-drudgery..."

Background:  Pete, who used to work in the HBS help desk, has moved to Washington D.C.

Stefan, to Pete:
"You know, Pete... just because your work at HBS will desist, it doesn't mean that to us you have become D.C.'ed..."

Setting:  Outside on the back porch of Stefan's apartment. Since it's an old building, the porch slopes downward, away from the house.
Stefan's wife drops something, which begins to roll quickly towards the edge of the porch floor, towards a three-story drop...

"Be careful! You know our porch is inclined to lose things..."

"That ClarisWorks... When we install it on campus machines, it's not on the master. It's a separate 'load entity'."

"Yuri, does it come on 'load-entity' disks? As opposed to 'hi-dentity' disks..."

Bill, what do you think of Stefan's puns?
Bill says: 'I did not ... have ... puns ... with that woman...'
Bill says: 'I did not ... have ... puns ... with that woman... Monica Lewd-pun-ski'

You can blame Stefan for all this!!
Stefan at work

© 2019 Stefan W. - Awl Writes Re-serfed

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